February 4, 2006
UPDATE 3rd FEBRUARY 2006
I’M MOTHERFRUNGLIN’ BACK!
Over two months and nothing, but now the waiting is over! I’m back with an amazing new update that’ll force all the haters out there who thought I would never update this site again, to reassess the entire situation! So get ready for this month’s cavalcade of solipsism!
BEARD / VANITY NEWS
I thought I should include a more recent picture of myself so you can see that my beard is no longer out of control. It’s still there though and my hair is getting too long but I’ve never had long hair before so this is my moment. Also I’ve just noticed that my nose seems to be getting wider, a little like the young Michael Jackson or the more simian guy from Ween. I believe it’s exactly this kind of analysis that will soon bring the Iraq war to an end. What are you doing about it?
OTHER NEWS
KEN ON THE LAST WORD NEWS
I got a message the other day from someone sympathising with me about The Last Word having cancelled my Ken Korda movie reviews on More 4. Well thanks but that’s not what happened you bastards! I was only ever supposed to do a handful last year and ended up doing 11 up to and including Christmas which seemed to be a good moment to take a break as I’ve bitten off more than I can chew elsewhere (see below).
It was great fun doing those pieces and if I get more time I may do some more. The last time I spoke to someone at The Last Word, the door was still open (in fact they were begging me and crying a little but I’d rather not go into it). In the meantime most of the pieces can be seen on this site thanks to my tireless brother Dave!
IT CROWD NEWS
The IT Crowd starts airing tonight on Channel 4 at 9pm. I’m excited about this for a number of reasons. Firstly, I haven’t seen any of the shows yet and I can’t wait to see how it’s turned out. Graham was keen to show me but I wanted to see it go out live and get the proper telly experience. Secondly I’m a big fan of Graham’s stuff and I’m just keen to see something on Channel 4 that isn’t Justin Lee Collins, Jimmy Carr or knob joke based (even though all those things agree with me in small doses). Thirdly I’m quite excited in a shamefully nerdy way to see Chris Morris in action again. People get so hung up on his Dark Lord Of Satire And Subversion status that they forget he’s a very funny, quite goofy performer. I’m sure there’ll be net factions vomiting blue bile that their leader has got himself involved with a project that isn’t designed to fuck people’s minds into a ditch but I suspect they’d be furious whatever he did now.
My involvement with the show amounts to a good few minutes of screen time in episode 5 and some spoofy behind the scenes stuff that I’m putting together for the IT Crowd DVD (out in Autumn 2006 I think). I did some Ken Korda interviews with the main cast (minus Morris obviously) as well as Graham and Ash Atalla. I’m loading the rushes now but it’s too early to tell how successful the exercise was. It’s difficult enough doing an interview in character with another person as themselves but when you know them too it’s potentially very weird and squirmy. We’ll see.
RADIO NEWS
The play I wrote for Woman’s Hour is finally finished and Joe and I recorded it yesterday at the BBC’s studios in Maida Vale. It was a short piece called Famous Guy and it featured the aforementioned famous American actor character being interviewed by a female British journalist called Manthea (played by Joe). It’s not as good as The Spongebob Squarepants Movie but it’s better than most of The Friday Night Project. It goes out some time in April, but I’ll keep you posted.
MISSED RADIO NEWS
Joe’s Mum heard me on the credits of a play by Boothby Graffoe called Being Mussolini which went out on Radio 4 in January. That’s because I was in it! I played the part of Mussolini’s personal physician opposite Omid Djalili who I found to be a charming and talented man. I’m almost certain he’s written something similar about me on his weblog. I imagine the play is downloadable somewhere if you’re interested. Maybe not. Consider it a footnote then.
XFM & PODCAST NEWS
Our long time producer Lila left us the other day to go off to 6 Music where she won’t have to play Hard Fi and The Kaiser Chiefs every hour. With her she took something of the sense that Xfm was beginning to get excited about us being around. Lila had mentioned that our shows were to be available as podcasts, but that notions seems to have evapourated. I haven’t given up on the idea of putting a few clips up on this site but I’d be a little anxious about what Xfm might say. We’ll see. The podcasts may still happen and I don’t want to give the impression that Xfm don’t give a shit about us because they’re great to us and we love being there so there’s no boat rocking going on if that’s what you think!
That said, when we leave in April I have no idea when and if we’ll be back. Perhaps we should follow once again in Ricky and Stephen’s footsteps and sort out a few half hour podcasts of our own. I’ve been downloading quite a few recently and it’s not hard to see why theirs is the most popular by quite a long way, which isn’t to damn it with faint praise at all, just to say there’s a fuck of a lot of shit out there. I don’t know why it’s called The Ricky Gervais Show though. It’s Pilkingtown. When it’s good (which for my money is most of the time) it’s very funny indeed but there are always a few moments for me when Karl’s borderline idiot savantism seems disingenuous. Mind you when he was at Xfm he was much the same so perhaps he really is like that all the time.
ARMANDO IANNUCCI SHOW NEWS
This BBC2 project has been slower to get going than was expected but it’s shifted up a few gears recently. At the moment I’m trying out short bits of video (some of which I might show at the Out Of Focus Group) and attending big unwieldy meetings where various writers, performers and computer geniuses sit about and watch odd bits of TV then struggle to say something amusing about them which may or may not translate into ideas for the show. Armando and Adam Tandy then scribble these into their special books. Generally Armando seems to come up with the funniest stuff, but you’d hope that would be the case. I don’t say much. I find those kinds of meetings quite hard work. I can’t shake the feeling that as soon as I open my mouth, everyone is thinking ‘oh dear, that’s not funny at all.’ Most of my work comes about from watching TV on my own then loading stuff into the computer and cocking about with it for hours. My spontaneity faculties are limited, as you’ll know if you listen to our Xfm show.
My worst nightmare came true the other day when The South Bank Show came along to one of these meetings and filmed the whole thing as part of a profile they’re doing on Armando. We’d been warned it was going to happen so I think everyone had probably thought of extra funny things to say so they wouldn’t look useless for Melvin. I was desperate to find a brilliant quip that would instantly deconstruct the ludicrousness of the whole situation but ended up just making a couple of comments about the flapiness of Anna Ford’s neck. Mainly Dave Quantick spoke. That might be a good name for a band.
GOOD NAMES FOR BANDS
- Mainly Dave Quantick Spoke
- The Anti Rapid Eye Movement
- Bloody Women
- Mild Peril
- Fierce Pockets
- Hopes Fade
- The Beatle
- Blur
As usual, you’re welcome to start a band and use one of these names but I want a mention in the sleeve notes of you over-hyped debut.
LIFE NEWS
SLIGHTLY DULL TRUE STORY ABOUT BUYING A NEW MOBILE
Now that it’s the 21st century, purchases that would once have been considered fairly major can be made in a matter of minutes. That was the ludicrous bullcrap sloshing around in my head as I walked into Phones 4 U in Oxford Street to buy a new phone having popped my old one in the washing machine. Some part of me had clearly been affected by that fucking American twat and his hand gestures on TV.
Inside I’m assisted by Tony Rose who is very helpful and charming although he delivers his sales patter at such an amazing speed I can’t really understand a word he’s saying. He starts bollocking on about ‘bundles’ and ‘bolt-ons’ and I’m completely lost. “I just need something that makes calls wherever I am†“Have you thought about tariffs?†No. He takes his phone out of his pocket and flips it open. “This is a good one.†“I’ll take one of those†I say thinking I’ll be leaving with my new phone imminently.
We’ve only just begun however and Tony leads me upstairs to the ‘interview room’. Here I sit for a good half hour while Tony checks my entire life on his unbelievably slow computer. He quizzes me again about bolt-ons. I get flustered and just nod, saying ‘yeah whatever’. Tony seemed impressed. “You’re a cool customer you know. I can see you’re not a man who lets anything get to him. A lot of people come up here and they start sweating with all the questions and everything, but you’re not rattled. I like that.†I’m pleased that Tony likes that, but now the pressure’s on to maintain my new cool customer status.
Tony taps away on his computer for long periods of time then sits back and nods with approval. “OK you qualify for Homecall.†Wow! What does that mean? “Have you thought about insurance?†erm…no?
It all feels like one of those letters informing you that you have won £10,000.00 with a wad of instructions about how to claim the prize, which invariably involves signing up for some other scheme or other. Still, I have to be cool. “Yeah sure†I say to all Tony’s questions “why not, give me the lot.†As I’m saying this I can hear the customer on the table opposite fiercely resisting everything his salesperson is saying. “Are you sure you don’t want that sir? Are you absolutely sure? Are you positive?†Maybe I should be putting up more resistance? But what if Tony stops thinking I’m cool? Having said yes to absolutely everything Tony finally rises and we make our way to the cash desk. As we pass a hassled looking woman in mid interview her salesman looks up and asks “Tony, did this gentleman sign up for Homecall?†“Yes he did!†beams Tony proudly. “There you go, this gentleman just signed up for it.†Says the salesman turning his attention back to his mark who asks “But why should I?†“Because it’s good! This gentleman knows that†he says pointing at me. The hassled lady eyes me and says “But he may be very naiveâ€. Quite rude I think, but on the other hand she does seem to have a point.
When all the paperwork is finally completed and Tony has thanked me I linger like some monkey with Stockholm syndrome to ask about buying an answering machine. “Hang on one second†says Tony and slapping the copies of my freshly completed transaction in front of his boss further down the counter. His boss seems unaware I haven’t yet left the shop because flicking through the documents he says “Oh yes! Nice one my man! Very nice. You see this is what I’m talking about! You’re off cleaning duties for this Tony.†I try desperately to think of a good way of interpreting this but I’m unable to do so. Tony returns to deal with the comparatively simple purchase of my answerphone but is no longer able to make eye contact. When I’m finally ready to leave he asks “would you be interested in purchasing a case for that mobile…?†I look him in the eyes and for a second something crosses his face like a tiny ripple of shame. He looks about conspiratorially then pats me on the arm “You’ve been a good customer, so I’m going to get you a free case.†I wonder if that’s the kind of thing Peter Sutcliffe would say after some rapin’?
I’m not very proud of that thought but I’m blaming Phones 4 U.
That’s quite enough for now.
I’ll try to update before too long.
Love Adam
03/02/06