SOME OLD ANECDOTES FOR MATT YOUNG
I got a card from someone called Matt Young the other day. He was saying he had been listening to The Adam & Joe Xfm podcasts (which are nearing the end of their first ‘season’) and wanted to know more about the ‘Kiki Pee’ anecdote referred to fleetingly in podcast 1. Matt gave me his e-mail address but I’m always a bit cagey with entering into e-mail correspondence too quickly with someone I don’t really know. I mean it was a very nice card and I’m sure Matt’s totally fine but I like to keep things formal. If he’d supplied his postal address I would have written back, but as he didn’t I’m responding via blog. Hope that’s OK Matt. Here is the Kiki Pee anecdote along with another couple of stories from when I did the Edinburgh Festival in August 2005. I would have put this stuff in my Edinburgh diary but I never finished it in the end. Better late than never though, yes?
When I was in Edinburgh my PR was being expertly handled by a girl called Claire Walker, who goes out with Ed Byrne, (a fact that isn’t totally relevant to the story but I don’t like to miss a name dropping opportunity). Ed and Claire were out drinking late one night and were sat at a table with among others these two queens from New York who do an act as a failed lounge singer and her pianist called Kiki and Herb. I haven’t seen them personally but I hear they’re excellent. The guy who plays Kiki was wasted though and at one point he just got out his winky and started to spend a penny beneath the table where he and Claire were sitting. Due to their close seating proximity a lot of the tinkle hit Claire’s foot and understandably she jumped up, disgusted, shouted at the guy and went to the lavvy to wash off the Kiki pee. Far from being contrite, Kiki grabbed her by the arm on the way back from the ladies and said ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pee in your face’. Nice.
Admonished by a mutual friend Kiki then said ‘Oh OK, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I pee’d on her ugly shoes’. Nice again.
When acquaintances of Kiki heard what happened, a lot of them were surprised, saying ‘but he’s just not the kind of person who would ever do something like that’. I wonder how many times you have to wee on someone’s foot before you are the kind of person who would do something like that. I would say once.
Incidentally that story didn’t come to me from Claire Walker or Ed Byrne. Unlike me, they’re far too discreet to mention that kind of thing, but it was a reliable source. That said if Kiki somehow reads this and is upset because he believes he did not wee on Claire’s feet then I will remove this story and issue an apology. I say that because a couple of people I know and like have read what I thought were completely innocuous comments about them on this blog and been upset so now I’m getting nervous about telling wee wee stories featuring famous drag queens I don’t even know…
On my way to a party on the last night of the festival I was riding on my bike downhill across the bridge to Princess Street when a young guy leaned out of the window of a passing car and pushed me! I could easily have been killed but thanks to my exceptional cycling skills I kept my balance and stayed on my bike. The car sped away, weaving dangerously through traffic as the yobs inside watched me shouting abuse at them helplessly. I caught them up at the lights briefly and took a picture of their number plate then, fizzing with adrenalin, shouted triumphantly to the passengers of another car that was watching me, ‘THAT CUNT’S GOING TO JAIL!’ Brilliant.
Anyway I finally got to the party and on my way in I bumped into Dara O’Briain who I’d met a couple of nights previously. I was in a state by then, apoplectic with impotent rage and keen to get pissed but the fucking doorman wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have my festival pass with me. Lovely Dara protested to the doorman on my behalf saying ‘don’t you know who this is? Did you never see The Adam & Joe Show?’ I think it was mainly for my benefit to make me feel better about not getting in (because the doorman certainly had NOT seen The Adam & Joe Show), but finally, because Dara is so giant and charming it worked and I got in to what turned out to be a shit party.
One of the first people I saw there was Kevin Bishop, a very funny actor who was in The Last Chancers and can now be seen on Channel 4′s Star Stories. I told him about being nearly killed by these yobs and the fact that I had a photo of their number plate, which I was going to give to the cops. He just chuckled at me and said ‘what d’you think the cops are going to do? Anyway what are you so upset about? They were just kids having a laugh’. That made me feel pretty fucking old. It reminded me of Joe talking about a spate of stabbings near where we live in south London and how if it’s a shallow stab you can’t really complain cos that’s like an informal greeting. That wasn’t so much an anecdote as just a kind of rant about kids these days.
At the same shit party Kevin Bishop told me that he was in the VIP area at this festival in Spain called Benicassim and Lou Reed came up to him out of the blue and said ‘Hey, you’re the guy from The Last Chancers. I loved that show. That’s exactly what it’s like being in a band!’ Kevin swears this happened and it was definitely Lou Reed and not just an old man with sunglasses. One day I’ll probably find out Kevin was just winding me up, but so far he insists it’s the truth. How Lou Reed managed to see a show that only about 15 people in the UK saw before it got cancelled is a mystery but in a world where David Bowie will turn up to write songs for Ricky Gervais, anything’s possible.
So there we go Matt. That’s why this blog is NUMBER 1 for lame gossip that’s over a year old!!! Oh, and if you see these twats, hurt their feelings from me would you?
ADDENDUM I saw Kevin Bishop recently and he finally admitted to me that he was lying about Lou Reed.