January 20, 2007
SHIT TV NEWS
BIG BROTHER, DAVINA , BOOBIES & BIRDSEYE!
What a week! Britain lashed by storms, both meteorological and racial! It was as if God him/herself was watching Celebrity BB and visiting upon this septic isle windy wrath for harbouring such dirty fuckers as Jade, Danielle and Jo. And there were a few random rain showers that were probably aimed at H from Steps for being a weedy little man as well. Fuck me, if there’s one show you DO NOT want to go on EVER, it’s got to be Big Brother in any form. Like all reality shows part of the enjoyment (speaking mainly for myself here) is thinking ‘what would I be like in that situation?’ and in vain, drunken moments one thinks ‘I’d be much funnier, more down to earth, reasonable and all round wicked than any of these bastards’. But therein lies the horrible genius of that show, because if that moment of vanity carries through to you actually agreeing to appear on the programme should you be called, then you stand a great chance of being DESTROYED in a spectacular fashion! And as if to prove that life is entirely meaningless, once you’ve been reduced to rubble, you will have to leave the house and explain yourself to Davina frigging McCall!
Racist or not (don’t think she really is though), Jade is just another twat who’s been trained to think that expressing yourself means shouting the loudest and being as offensive as possible, which after all is kind of the Big Brother ethos in a nutshell. Danielle and to a lesser extent Jo are the ones I’m really looking forward to seeing face the crowds! Self interested, spineless, horrid people. Not like me! I would have done the right thing! I would have stood up for Shilpa! I would have been strong, articulate and righteous! Oh yes!
I wonder if this whole debacle will have any lasting effect on Channel 4’s reliance on this stinky show? Sure, I watch the ‘celebrity’ editions (but draw the line at the ‘normal’ runs over the summer) but I would not mourn their passing at all. BB did after all, make a whole well meaning channel give up its unfashionable principles in favour of an easy zeitgeisty buck and excuse itself all along by saying they were engaged in a populist social science experiment or some such poop. Having said that, last year’s Preston/Galloway face off was amazing and this years ridiculous international joke crisis has been kind of a hoot too! Is it worth the ruination of real lives though? Tough one. Erm, maybe. Well, OK, no then. Get rid of the shitpile. Leo Sayer may be an insufferable munchkin but his finest moment was saying ‘fuck off!’ and putting the cocks on the spot, if only for a tiny second and for all the wrong reasons. “They didn’t give me clean pantsâ€?! Come on man, you could have rustled up something else a little more heroic for us moaners to quote, couldn’t you?
Anyway, by the way of all of that are these short video bits that I’ve cobbled together for your enjoyment or lack thereof. I actually did these a while a while ago, while I was preparing for my Edinburgh show in 2005 and I think I ended up using them within the show as part of a slightly desperate hallucination sequence for my character Pavel (there were quite a few). The Davina ad thing is self-explanatory. Not brilliantly done, just an excuse to badmouth the queen of horrible shouty women. The Boobies bit came from an encyclopaedia CD Rom that I was browsing (it’s a real VO) and the Captain Birdseye thing was an opportunity to celebrate my giant beard. I’m pretty sure they’re going to make the world a better place. It may take a while though so be patient…