May 7, 2007
LIVE & TV NEWS!
HAVE I GOT LAST WEEK’S NEWS FOR YOU? (yes, I do.)
A spot of dirty British bank holiday weather has given me the opportunity to fill you in on last week’s exciting doings in my stupid hamlet. On Wednesday night the 14th Out Of Focus group, my semi regular evening of live comedy and vids. took place at The Zetter Hotel in Clerkenwell. Thanks to all of you who came along, apologies to those of you who tried and failed to get a ticket, and to those of you who didn’t even consider coming for a second I extend a small portion of withering contempt. It was another good one I think. I was MC-ing this time, which I haven’t done before, because I hadn’t had time to write any new character stuff and didn’t want to trot out the same routine I’ve done the last few times. I’ll trot it out next time. Anyway, it meant that I was able to relax a bit more than I normally would and see how the audience responded to a couple of new video things I was showing for the first time. I was also able to watch the other performers, which was great fun (usually I’m cowering in the green room, dressed up as one of my hilarious characters). Jo Neary and Tony Law were on top form and our special mystery guest, the hugely talented, celebrated and tall Stephen Merchant also done wicked with his tales of short sighted sexual disaster, although my Dad who was there that night, was a little scandalised by some of Stephen’s more graphic references!
The following day I started intensively cramming for my appearance on Have I Got News For You. I’d only been told a few days before that I was definitely going to be on the show and because I was frantically trying to get my videos finished to show at the Zetter, I hadn’t had time to read the papers as thoroughly as I would have liked. Instead I trawled through the BBC News webshite with Sky news on in the background. This must be what it’s like being Jeremy Paxman I was thinking. Except he probably eats some kind of special up-to-the-minute news puree and drinks topical smoothies made for him by Fiona Bruce. Fuck the news. I hate news. Why on earth did I agree to go on the most full-on TV news quiz in the world? My brain is so full of shit TV and indie pop, there just isn’t enough room for Gordon Brown or Alex Salmond or any of those lavatories.
I arrived at the London Studios on the south bank at 5:30pm and was shown to my dressing room. A few minutes later I was taken to the studio to meet everyone and have a quick run through of the rounds. Appearing on the show with me were Armando Iannucci, who I know from Time Trumpet of course and Bill Bailey who I’ve met a few times and like a lot. I was on Ian Hislop’s team. He and Paul Merton were perfectly cordial but I found them both a little intimidating. Clever people who are very good at what they do tend to have that effect on me.
In contrast to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, there is no time spent preparing gags for the rounds with writers, they just show you the clips once so you can make a note of what they are and what order they come in. It was exactly like being back at school and getting ready to sit an exam you know you’re not prepared for. I watched in horror as the clips played and I realised that none of the news I had revised had come up! Nothing on Hawking in space, Kate Moss and her shit clothes line, Lord Browne and his jilted man-pal and unsurprisingly, nothing at all about the amazing solar power plant in Spain (why the hellbag did I spend so long reading about that one?!) I couldn’t even identify half the people in the VT’s let alone think of funny things to say about them. Afterwards Ian came to my dressing room to make sure I was OK with the clips and give me a few bits of advice for the show. “Just get in there early†he said. “Say anything. Sometimes people can get caught in the headlights a little bit and before they know it, the show’s over and they haven’t said a word.†Yup, I thought. That’s exactly what I’m going to be like. “Anything else you want to know?†said Ian. “Yeah, who’s Hazel Blears?†To his credit Ian didn’t flinch as he explained, but deep down he must have been thinking ‘what are you doing on this show?’ An hour or so later in front of the audience, as Hazel frigging Blears stared out at me from the video monitor I was asking myself the same question.
Bill Bailey was very conscientious about giving everyone as much time as they needed to chip in and contribute, but my head felt as if someone had flushed it as soon as the cameras started rolling and it was taking ages for my mental cistern to refill. A couple of times I thought ‘oh fuck it’ and just said something for the sake of it, as per Ian’s advice, but it was usually a little lame and smutty and mercifully none of it made it to the edit (a riff on the Gordon Brown’s odd mouth twitch being somehow related to his passion for blowjobs was especially shameful). I did manage one or two unbroadcast intrusions that got a big laugh but they were part of longer build-ups that would have taken too much time to include. I bet that’s what everyone who goes on that show says though, right? The truth is they probably used every vaguely funny comment I made and that worked out to about 4 things. However, that’s an average of one funny thing every 6 minutes of screen time, which for someone who didn’t know the answer to one single question is not bad I reckon. Anyway, the main thing was that everyone involved with the programme was extremely warm and friendly and made what could easily have been a trial into an enjoyable experience.
The night before the taping my Dad, without a trace of malice said to me, “Have I Got News For You is exactly the kind of programme on which you are thoroughly ill suited to appear. It’s full of people being witty and telling jokes and that’s not what you’re good at all.†My Ma, who was all excited about me appearing on proper telly, has remained conspicuously silent since the show went out so she perhaps agreed with that assessment. If only there was a quiz show all about Spoon. I’d be the king of that frickin’ prog.