October 28, 2007
CONSUMER NEWS (SOME CHRISTMAS PRESENT IDEAS)!
Hello phantom friends. Today’s post is going to be a little like a consumer guide in a glossy magazine for thick men or half-witted women. Funnily enough Joe and myself have been offered the job of writing just such a column a few times and we’ve been tempted because we’re both a bit thick and we both like free stuff, but usually we come to our senses before the contract is signed. Anyway, today amongst all the other self regarding eyewash, I’m going to impart to you some top purchasing tips which have improved the quality of my life in recent years. I should stress that no money has changed hands for these endorsements (although if any of the companies involved would like to just send me some free things and/or money, that would be fine). These are just UK based companies I’ve stumbled across who in my experience provide an excellent and efficient service and sell stuff that isn’t a total rip. I like getting these kinds of recommendations from friends so I thought you might dig it too. Plus it’s Christmas in about 15 minutes isn’t it!
CAVEAT!
If any of these recommendations don’t turn out as well for you as they did for me, I’m sorry but please resist the temptation to tell me about it in great detail. As much as I’d like to be, I’m simply not Nicky Campbell.
6 MUSIC AND DIGITAL RADIOS!
Thanks if you tuned in to our first Saturday morning show on BBC 6 Music. We’re there for the next year (!) from 9-12 every Saturday so if you haven’t already, invest in some kind of DAB radio and plunge into the superior world of digital listening! I get many of my electronicals from Stone Audio here. They deliver the quickest of anyone I’ve used on line for this kind of thing and they send you e-mails written by actual humans with real names if your product is out of stock so you can select an alternative. If you’re after a digital radio I’d go for a Tivoli DAB or for a lovely sounding, compact i-pod speaker/radio (although this one’s NOT digital) may I recommend the Tivoli Audio Model PAL (Portable Audio Laboratory) Radio. Many of my close friends have received one of these as a birthday present over the years and they always go down a treat.
Of course if you just want to listen again to our 6 Music shows you can do so from their website here. As the weeks wear on I hope we’ll get round to providing the BBC webfolks with some more recent pics. It would be nice if we were still as fresh faced as the fairly ancient photos on the site suggest, but it’s probably best for all of us if we simply come to terms with the older, jowlier versions. Isn’t ageing terrific!?
As we mentioned on the show yesterday we haven’t yet nailed down the details of the podcast situation but we’re thinking along the lines of doing a monthly digest featuring the best of the Saturday morning shows as well as a good few specially recorded nuggets where we can be a little more free wheeling than we might be on air. I’ll keep you posted.
BOOK NEWS!
A while back I went for a meeting at Faber & Faber who were interested in hearing any book ideas I had. Days later however I got the commission for my BBC3 pilot MeeBOX which has taken up most of my time since so my literary pretentions had to be popped on the bookshelf for a while. Shame though cos I had some great ideas for books.
10,000 THINGS THAT ARE SOOO CRAP
This would be just a long list of things that I think are crap. Mainly I would just write them all down in no particular order without even really justifying why I thought they were crap. Every now and then there would be a childish drawing of one of the things I thought was crap but it wouldn’t even be on the same page as the thing it corresponded to. Here are some of the things that would be in there: Trees (so crap!) Bad Food (yuck!) Metal (the point anyone?) Fish (hate them!) and the letter ‘p’ (Piss off!) You get the idea. There would also be a tie in TV show. In fact I think I’m going to make it and put it in MeeBOX as a clip.
RAPPER MOUSE
This would be a children’s book based on a story that I made up for my sons one time. There’s a mouse and he wants to be a rapper. He’s called MC Mouse. The book would be cute but also streetwise and there’d be a lot of quite rude jokes that would go over the kids heads. I would illustrate it myself to ensure that I got more money, even though the illustrations would be embarrassingly poor. The kids won’t mind, have you seen how crap their drawings are? Anything looks like genius to them. There would also be a tie in movie and of course an album both of which would also be sub par.
I WAS BULLIED AT SCHOOL
A very slim collection of memories from my school days when I was often bullied. I would make it sound as if the bullying was very bad although it was actually fairly low level. I would leave out the times when I was a bit of a bully myself, or maybe I’d mention those times but make it sound as if I learned some valuable lessons. Perhaps I’d even track down some of the people that bullied me and the people I bullied. Has someone done this already? Fuckit, I’ll do it again but it’ll be different cos I’ve got a different name. Again, could also be a TV series.
ADAM BUXTON’S POLAROIDS OF COCKS
I travel the world at great expense for a year taking pictures of people’s penises with a Polaroid camera then put them in a book. Some of them are famous people, others are just ordinary people, some of them are homeless etc. What do their cocks say about their lives? You decide. I’d do cocks first as I’m not gay so it would appear that prurience was not my primary motivation. A year later I would do Adam Buxton’s Polaroids of Twats. Both would sell very well. Again, I don’t care if this has been done before, I’m doing it again with my name on it.
Unfortunately Faber & Faber tend to concentrate on slightly different kinds of books but I bet I could talk them round. My meeting there concluded with me being given an armful of their recent publications which all turned out to be very good. Particularly entertaining were Ten Bad Dates With De Niro, a great collection of well written movie top tens for both the high brow and low brow film fan, and Simon Reynold’s excellent Rip It Up And Start Again, about post punk music from 1978 to 1984. If you like bands like Talking Heads, New Order, Devo, Pere Ubu, Orange Juice and their arty experimental pop colleagues then you will love this book. He covers the story of pretty much every single significant act from that time with enough love and enthusiasm to make you want to listen to all their stuff again, even the really quite rubbish stuff (the rubbosity of which is also acknowledged). It does for this most interestingly diverse and rewarding period of music what The World At War did for WW2! I’m telling you!
RADIO CONTROLLED PLANE NEWS!
Last Christmas my wife got a cheap looking RC plane for one of our young sons and it looked so unpromising that after the initial unwrapping euphoria it lay untried for the next few days. However on New Year’s day (surely one of the most depressing days of any year) driven to desperation by physical misery and unable to watch more frigging telly, we found the nearest field and gave it a go. It worked pretty well! It was hard to steer but Frank, aged 4, was able to keep it in the air for several satisfying minutes at a time and since then we’ve become rather skilled at making the thing do what we want. All it needed to be ready to fly was a 20 minute charge from the controller which we started as we left the house. By the time we arrived on the airfield, we were ready for takeoff!
We’ve lost a few to roofs (rooves?) and wear and tear but they’re cheap enough for it not to be the end of the world so I keeping ordering new ones and the newer models are even better. What’s more, the place I order them from, Wonderland Models delivers the next day, and again if they don’t have what you need they call you up and suggest alternatives. Along the way I’ve tried buying other similarly priced RC planes and helicopters and not one of them is as satisfyingly easy to use and hardy as these X Twin planes which have provided me and the boys with some of the most enjoyable afternoons ever. Hope they do the job for you too.
August 3, 2007
RADIO, TV AND VARIOUS GOOD STUFF NEWS!
I’VE BEEN AWAY!
But now I’m back and despite the weather going all biblical and television finally being exposed as the cesspool of deceit I always suspected it might be I’ve got a fair bit to enthuse about. First let me tell you how my gig at the Albany went before I went so rudely AWOL.
MY GIG AT THE ALBANY, 12th JULY 2007
On my way to The Albany I was cycling past stationary traffic on Whitehall when someone opened the passenger door of a black cab and I slammed right into the edge of it. I went most of the way over my handlebars and sustained quite a serious bashing to my right shoulder, left thigh and shins. I didn’t flip out but I said to the guy who was looking at me with a mixture of alarm and indignation, “what are you doing opening the door without looking!?†He came back with “what are you doing cycling up on the inside?†“That’s generally where people cycle†I replied. Yesss! Score 1 for me!!! He looked chastened but not perhaps suitably chastened. The show was starting in 10 minutes so I decided against a pointless row and peddled on, a little shaken and achy. I suppose in those situations the correct thing from a legal point of view is to exchange details in case my injuries turned out to be more severe than I thought and I decided to call Baines & Ernst or whoever. I can’t help feeling that life’s too short though.
The gig went OK to begin with but I quickly lost control of the filthy mother. For a start I had foolishly drunk a pint of fizzy lager backstage and for the first few minutes of my act I was negotiating with a belch that refused to surface and torpedoed my concentration somewhat. Plus the lights on the tiny stage, which were only a couple of feet from my face (but several faces from my feet), seemed unusually bright. I could see Rob Baker, who was an AP on The Adam & Joe Show sat in the audience. ‘Fuck’ I thought, ‘I haven’t seen him for ages and now he’s going to think I’m a loser.’ All in all in was in a bad frame of mind and that was before I got to the new stuff I’d just finished writing just hours earlier.
Needless to say I was no way on top of these shiny new nuggles and after a few minutes I managed to completely silence a previously very jolly room. In my defence they went quiet during a dramatic passage for which silence was entirely appropriate, but later on when some laughs would have been welcome, they remained disrespectfully silent. In fact it was probably the quietest reaction I have ever got for anything I’ve done live. It was so extremely quiet I couldn’t help laughing a little at the utterness of the quietude. They only started laughing again when I had left the stage and Dave Armand & Nick Tanner had returned.
In the past that kind of reaction would have shaken me a fair bit but for the first time I found myself not minding too much. I knew the stuff I had written was good and I just needed to do it more to make it work. It’s worse if you know deep down that you’ve gone out with some ropey old shite and been busted for it.
Anyway, I’ll let you know when my next experiment with silence is due. Now for the rest of this week’s inconsequential fartcloud.
THE TAO OF BERGERAC NEWS!
Back in mid June I played a part in the first episode of a live recording of a new Radio 4 comedy series called The Tao of Bergerac by Will Smith and Roger Drew, who I met while working on Time Trumpet. Inspired by an audio book of John Nettles reading the Tao, the show features Will ‘navigating the minefield of his life’ and it’s very good indeed. I can say that without smugness because I had absolutely nothing to do with it’s creation other than turning up and reading one of the parts on the night in the incredibly fancy new BBC radio theatre in Broadcasting House. You can listen again to the show here and catch future episodes on Wednesdays at 6:30pm on radio 4.
One of the most amazing parts of this excellent programme is when at the end Will links random films to episodes of Bergerac by connecting the work of their featured stars. I should stress that only the first of these was scripted. When we recorded the episode Will took about 6 or 7 films shouted out by members of the audience with no prior preparation and was able to link every single one to specific episodes of Bergerac in less than six steps with no hesitation whatsoever. It was one of the weirdest, nerdiest and most strangely impressive things I have ever beheld. Check it!
BBC PILOT NEWS!
This month I start work on my pilot for the BBC with the provisional title of MeeBox (although that may well change as there seems to be a glut of projects with ‘box’ in the title at the moment). The overall idea is to create a sort of spoof of the kind of material you find on places like You Tube, ie. clips, virals and ‘vlogs’ from various ludicrous characters (including Famous Guy and possibly Ken Korda) spouting off about all kinds of moronic crap. I’m aware that there are probably about 100 other projects not dissimilar to this either being pitched or in production at the moment, but I hope I’ll be able to make it my own somehow! Basically I’m going to try out all kinds of different bits and see what fits and what doesn’t.
One of the things I wanted to do was incorporate some phone call stuff that wasn’t so much pranky as character based but having seen a few clips of E4’s excellent Fonejacker, I might steer clear. If it was just another shit Crank Yankers type thing it wouldn’t be a problem but Keyvan Novak and his chums have breathed enough new life into phone japes, I’m worried that particular route might be a bit redundant for the time being, although as with Trigger Happy TV, I’m always amazed when someone does just one thing, albeit very well, for a whole half hour and then makes a whole series of it. That’s the way to get into people’s head though I guess. Keyvan Novak’s clearly a talented guy though. Can really be the same unfeasibly handsome Iranian actor who appeared in Holby City, Spooks and Syriana?! If so, I feel another Sasha Baron Cohen coming on…Bastard! If you haven’t already seen it, type ‘fonejacker ‘ into You Tube and get watching, you’ll definitely like at least one or two. I’ll keep you updated with pilot news in the next few weeks.
VERY LATE FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS RADIO & TV SERIES NEWS!
As usual I’m a few years late with the latest comedy sensation, but over the last month my life’s been improved by Flight Of The Conchords. In case you’re as tardy as I, they’re two engaging Kiwi chaps who write very amusing songs, mainly parodying various musical genres in a non tedious way and banter winningly in between. I only just listened to their radio series a few weeks ago. It’s a peach! This week I got hold of a couple of episodes of their US TV show from Bit Torrent and it’s an even more delicious peach! Joe, if you’re reading this, check out this amazingly loving and spot-on tribute to the sublime ridiculousness of early Pet Shop Boys from episode 2. How much more kindred do you want your spirits!?
I’m telling you, if you’re partial to super talented, funny musicians (see also Matts Holness and Berry and Julian Barratt ) and the kind of enjoyably odd conversational rhythms that the Boosh do so well then it’s time to book your Conchord flight! (yeah? Get me a job on a shit magazine, IMMEDIATELY! But not NOW!) Look out for many exciting US comedy talents in the Conchords TV show too, some of whom, like Eugene Mirman and Kristen Schall, were on the bill with David Cross when he was over here a few weeks back. Here’s one more blast; surely the last word on pathetic rap (although nothing will ever stop me pathetic rappin’!) ‘I’m a motherflippin’!’
July 9, 2007
VARIOUS NEWS!
HI HO!
So much to crap on about inconsequentially, so little time to devote to it! I’m on the verge of giving up telling people about our Coke podcasts. There are now 9 of the little twats sitting there on the Coke website and on I-tunes, all featuring Joe and myself introducing music from unsigned bands and talking rubbish between the tracks as is our wont, but they haven’t exactly grabbed the nation by the joolies and gone supernova with Angela Bassett. Anyway, we recorded a couple of new shows last week (we’re aiming to make them half an hour each now!) and I filmed the sessions so I might put some of it up when the next one comes out, so you can see what our stupid faces look like when we’re coming out with our drivel. Actually, maybe I’ve talked myself out of doing that…Now, other news!
GRAHAM POOLE’S FILM NIGHT @ THE ALBANY 8PM THURSDAY 12th JULY 2007
Nick Tanner and Dave Armand have another of their comedy and short film nights at The Albany on Thursday this week and I’ll be appearing as Famous Guy once again. Details here. Amazingly I’ve actually written some new ballcrap for this character so I’ll be doing it for the first time that night! Just imagine, you could be witnessing the birth of a slice of future legendary genius that will be talked about by nerds for tedious aeons (or ‘tedaeons’)! Or it could be a lump of old cowshit. Come and find out!
Speaking of Famous Guy, I taped an appearance on the Paramount TV show Edinburgh and Beyond at the Bloomsbury Theatre the night before the 100 Club gig. I’m not sure when it’ll be on TV. It went OK but I haven’t done a TV thing in front of an audience that size before and I was a little too nervous. Also I think most of the audience was there to see Al Murray (the show’s host), for which they can’t be blamed because he is extraordinary. Properly funny and clever with it but totally unpretentious. Along with Graham Fellows, that guy is just about the perfect character comedian in my book. Still, I did alright-ish. I just got this nice message from someone, which sums it up:
I just wanted to drop you a message someway to say that I enjoyed Famous Guy at the paramount recording at the Bloomsbury last week. Very good stuff, although some annoying bugger beside me couldn’t understand and was just making confused noises the whole time. Very funny material, thanks for the laughs.
Thanks man!
ADAM & JOE ON BBC RADIO 6 MUSIC, AUGUST 20th – 31st
We’ll be filling in for our old Xfm chum Shaun Keaveny on 6 Music while he’s away on holiday for two weeks in August. Unfortunately he does the breakfast show from 7-10am every weekday morning so we’re going to be getting up earlier than we ever have done for almost 2 whole weeks straight, but we’re looking forward to being on 6 Music where we’ll be allowed to play a lot of our own choices as well as the excellent mixture of old and new that Shaun usually has on his show. I’ll let you know nearer the time if there are any changes or developments!
DAVID CROSS GIG & BUG 02
THE 100 CLUB
On Wednesday 27th June I did my Famous Guy character at the 100 Club as part of an evening of comedy from David Cross and his brilliant Stateside comedy pals Todd Barry, Eugene Mirman and Kristen Schall. I was pretty nervous about this one because Cross, being the highly respected comedian he is, was bound to attract a large crowd of rabid comedy scientists of the sort typified by this whiney review of one of the earlier nights from the charmingly named ‘Hecklerspray’. Sure, they love comedy dearly, but sometimes these kinds of audiences can really suck the fun out of an evening if they don’t get exactly what they have decided they want and let’s face it, Adam Buxton doing his stupid film star character is unlikely to be on that list.
As if to prove that I don’t know anything and should never prejudge an audience, my set went as well as it possibly could have. Also several people came up to me afterwards and professed to be readers of this blog, so if you’re reading this, thanks for coming along and it was great to meet you, I hope you enjoyed the night as much as I did. And yes, it would be amazing if me, Joe and Zac did The Robert De Niro Calypso live one day. I’ll try to line it up.
David Cross incidentally was fucking funny and very nice indeed as were Todd, Eugene and Kristen. We all went out for some Chinese food after the show and it was the perfect end to a perfect night, although I got into a strange conversation with David about drugs which left me looking like rather a prude, which is crazy of course because I’m one of the most dangerous, on the edge kinds of people in the area! I just think before you explore heroin and crack you should probably explore the Amazon or even The Lake District, you know?
BUG 02
I also had a very enjoyable night hosting the second BUG night at the BFI South Bank last Thursday and everyone who came along seemed to have a good time. The first one of these in April was way too long but this time it was a lot more concise and subsequently more pleasurable for everyone I think. Again, thanks if you came along and introduced yourself afterwards. I hope I didn’t stare through you blankly or ask you for sex. It can happen on Thursdays. The next BUG will be on Friday September 14th so why not call the BFI and book your comfortable cinema seat now! And don’t forget, if you’re a fan of booze, not only can you take booze into the auditorium with you, but there’s an amazingly swanky bar that’s just opened up in the building that stays open til 1am after the show! Pop video party time!
ADAM & JOE @ GLASTONBURY 2000
Watching the coverage of this year’s festival (and some of the hilariously rubbish moments provided by the Diana and Live Earth concerts!) made me nostalgic for the fun Joe and I had back in 2000 when we provided our own coverage of the festival for BBC Choice (BBC3 as it is now). As I’m not putting up so many new video bits at the moment (I’m stockpiling them for my BBC pilot later this year!) I thought I’d find some ‘choice’ (ha ha!) moments from our nutty, madcap coverage so I flicked through the old VHS copies I had of that weekend. Oh Jesus. It hasn’t aged very well. To be fair it was our first ever attempt at presenting live and there is the odd moment of ramshackle charm but more than anything I’m reminded of why I avoid this kind of thing now. Thing is, I was so excited about being at Glastonbury for the first time with my back stage pass, surrounded by musicians I liked and admired, I just got quite pissed and acted like a bit of a show off, but with nothing to show off. Kind of how Robbie Williams must feel all the time. Sorry! Got to stop being unpleasant about Robbie now that Joe’s met him and he was nice. I haven’t met him yet though…
Anyway Jimmy Bignutz has posted a performance by Badly Drawn Boy (whose debut album was coming out the following week) singing Once Around The Block with me providing black and white cutaways on my handycam. I’ve also put up one of the links that didn’t make me curl into a ball of embarrassment when I watched the tapes back, with me being Mellow Man Ace from Cypress Hill and Joe interviewing me. It’s a little embarrassing to look back soberly 7 years later on what was quite a drunken shambles, but I do remember having a fantastic time with Joe and a great crew, many of whom were as smashed as we were by the end of each evening. You wouldn’t get that nowadays eh? Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing…
Toodle pish!
June 5, 2007
MORE LOAD OF NEWS!
YO, YO, YO, CHECK THIS OUT!
I finished shooting on Modern Men last week. It’s going out later this year as part of a kind of comedy playhouse that Channel 4 are doing, a little like a bigger budget Comedy Lab. The show (which will not be called Modern Men when it goes out because there’s an American show with the same name) was immensely good fun to do and more than ever I hope it gets picked up for a series but it’ll be a while before we find out. I’d love to tell you more about it and show you some pics, but I’m going to have to wait a bit to avoid stepping on any toes.
Someone told me they saw me in another one-off comedy thing on BBC3 the other night. I think they must have been talking about a show I did earlier this year called The Scum Also Rises about shenanigans in an advertising agency. This was also a hoot to be part of and was produced by Iain Morris’s company Bwark. Iain used to host a show on Xfm with Jimmy Carr of course and during his time as a commissioning editor at Channel 4 looked after Bo Selecta and Peep Show among others I believe. Apart form anything else he was always a very loyal supporter of Joe and myself and it was good fun to get to work with him.
Before I continue with other news I want to say thanks very much to everyone who’s been indulging my non-line communication stance and writing actual paper letters to me recently. It’s really amazing to get post that isn’t grim and it also makes me feel a bit like a pop star, which is of course the whole point. Sorry if it’s taken a while to get back to you, but I swear I will eventually as long as you don’t forget those SAE’s! For a reminder of why I tend to duck out of on-line communication, check out the ongoing fartstorm of hilariously semi literate lunacy under the Help Tha Police clip on You Tube. Thanks if you’re one of the people that occasionally leaves intelligent and constructive comments under these clips, but as far as talking sense into some of the other nutbuckets goes, you should probably take up grass straightening if you want to see quicker results.
ADDENUDUM – JULY 2007
The original HelpTha Police clip has now been removed along with all the insane comments, which is a shame but I wouldn’t be surprised if this copy eventually yields more of the same…
A&J COKE PODCAST 8 OUT NOW
The 8th Adam & Joe Coke New Music podcast is now available for free download on -tunes (type in ‘coke new music’) or visit The Coke website here. If you’ve already heard Podcast 8 then the pic below is proof of my story (note the hair). If you haven’t heard it yet then all will be explained when you do! This is the first of our new shorter, more regular Coke podcasts (they’ll be every two weeks now). Hope you think it’s an improvement. If you don’t, we guarantee a full refund of your no money!
ADAM & JOE RELATED IFFLE
We did an interview recently for an excellent website called Cut Out And Keep. Read it here. Joe has answered a lot of questions put to him by his My Space chums here (although he incorrectly suggests I’m not that keen on live radio; I loved the fact that our Xfm podcasts were more dense than our live show, but I still liked being live). Also our friend Zac, who was largely responsible for the best songs in The Adam & Joe Show, has put together this beautifully designed website for his proper band Astroman that you might like to peruse. I don’t think they do The Robert De Niro Calypso at gigs unfortunately.
LOST FINALE
None of my visible friends watch Lost so I’m afraid I’m going to have to share my thoughts about the Season 3 flash forward finale with you imaginary chaps. Maybe it caught me at a bad moment but I was left feeling quite depressed when it finished. After a few episodes which made me think the writers really did have some sort of ingenious overview already worked out, the sudden jump to a miserable future seemed to suggest they were back to throwing any old shite at the wall and seeing which drips were the most engaging. Perhaps I’m just bitter because I WANT THEM TO TELL ME WHAT THE JIMMYLOVING BLACK SMOKE IS ALL ABOUT!!! How the fricking heckfire can they possibly come up with a half decent explanation for a malevolent black wraith that makes machine like clicking sounds? Of course, they may be saving that one for some future revelation-fest, but as it was set up in the very first episodes, I think we deserve a few clues by now! All that said, I enjoyed seeing pop eyed Ben getting at least some of the shit kicked out of him by Jack and I was delighted when Charlie finally died after weeks of frustratingly close calls. I jumped around the room singing You All Everybody at the top of my lungs (if Oasis covered this I would worship them like genius twats). Also, good to see my old friend Penny back for a second season finale turn! Come on Penny, get in touch! Let’s re-live those fun photobooth times!
If you’re a Lost fan (and if you’re not you must have been very bored and confused for the last couple of minutes) you’ll enjoy this enthusiastic review of finale 3. There’s a string of comments and entertaining speculation beneath the review that’s remarkable for being neither stupefyingly dull nor peppered with lame brained abuse, surely a first for a discussion about pop culture on the net! Or maybe it had just been mediated. Anyway, worth a look if you care at all about Lost. Now with 24 gone too, what the shitting hell am I going to watch until January 2008? Wait a second, I’ve just realised that there’s 8 episodes of Entourage Season 3 I haven’t seen yet on Bit Torrent!. Hey heeeey!!! I guess if I had comments on this blog, someone would have told me, but that’s the price you pay for peace I guess.
HOW TO DOWNLOAD THINGS OFF BIT TORRENT
I know that the vast majority of you will be familiar with Bit Torrent and the notion of file sharing but for those of you who still wait until THE MAN says it’s OK to watch your favourite TV shows on your vidilamp (or ‘TV set’ as they used to call them) here’s an idiot’s guide to watching what you want when you want for nuffin’, the way TV-Jesus intended! I’m using a Mac so if this method doesn’t work for you try following the instructions here. Also apologies in advance if this is badly explained or technically inaccurate!
STEP 1. DOWNLOAD ‘CLIENT’
The software that enables you to download the actual movie files is known as a Bit Torrent ‘client’. There’s a lot to chose from but I use a simple, basic application called Transmission, which you can download free here. Chose the version that says it will work with your computer and once you’ve downloaded it to your desktop (which takes only a few minutes) double click on the icon to open and install it on your hard disc.
STEP 2. CHOOSE YOUR ‘TORRENT’!
Before you use your client to start downloading the movie files, you need to download the ‘torrent’. This is a very small file that your client uses to access the movie. Think of it as the invite that gets you in to the party! No invite, no entry, so to download the torrent you need to go to one of the many file sharing sites on the net. I use Isohunt, which you can find here. Once you’re at the site, you type in the name of the show you’re looking for and you’re shown all the various episodes that kindly folk have uploaded!
Now, this is the only slightly tricky part. On the right hand side of the screen you should see a couple of columns with an ‘S’ and an ‘L’ above them. This refers to the number of people who have the whole file on their computer (Seeders) and the number of people who are in the process of downloading parts of the file (Leechers). In order for your file to download quickly (a fast torrent may still take an hour or several to deliver a 30 minute show) you need to find a torrent that has the highest amount of both. The fewer people there are seeding, the longer it will take to get your file. Click on the ‘S’ and the files will be arranged for you in order of ‘most seeded’. Now the only other thing to look out for is the format of the file you’re about to download.
Once you’ve found the episode you’re looking for click on the title and a window will open beneath it. It says ‘DOWNLOAD TORRENT’ followed by a load of info about where the torrent came from etc. Scroll to the bottom of the window and you’ll see a list of the actual files contained in the torrent. I tend to go for anything that has ‘.avi’ at the end of it as this suggests I’ll be getting a single file that I can open and play easily with an application like VLC (which you can find here). The TIPS PLAYING CLIPS section of this site above has more info for Windows users about playing movies.
STEP 3: DOWNLOAD TORRENT
Once you’ve selected the file you want click on DOWNLOAD TORRENT and after a few seconds a file will appear on your desktop. This is your torrent. Now open Transmission or whatever client you’re using and import the torrent by clicking OPEN and locating the file on your desktop. Once the torrent has been opened by the client, your movie file will start downloading to your desktop (or wherever you have directed it). A progress bar will tell you how long you have to go, although this tends to fluctuate wildly depending on how many people are logged on and sharing at the same time. Sometimes, it’s a question of leaving your computer on overnight and letting it download at its leisure.
THINGS THAT USED TO WORRY ME ABOUT BIT TORRENT
- IF I SHUT MY COMPUTER DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A DOWNLOAD DO I HAVE TO START AGAIN?
No. Once you turn your computer back on and re-open the client, it picks up from where you left off.
- CAN I DOWNLOAD SEVERAL FILES AT ONCE?
You betcha! The more the merrier, especially if you want to get hold of a whole series. Downloading multiple files doesn’t affect the speed.
- CAN PEOPLE HACK INTO MY COMPUTER WHILE I’M DOWNLOADING?
If you have a router (which nearly all broadband services come with) then no. If you’re worried about security take a read of this.
- DO I DUMP THE TORRENT AS SOON AS IT’S FINISHED DOWNLOADING?
Well, that’s up to you, but this whole system is made more efficient when people share as many files as they can for as long as they can, in other words it’s good Bit Torrent etiquette to leave the torrent active in the client for as long as possible to enable other people to share it too. Obviously this becomes impractical once you’ve got loads of files or you want to shut down your computer, but it’s worth bearing in mind.
- WHAT HAPPENS IF THE TORRENT JUST STOPS FOR AGES?
It could mean either that none of the seeders are on line and you just need to wait til they come back, or that the file is incomplete. The pain and frustration of an incomplete file is something you just have to get used to with Bit Torrent. I’m still receiving counselling after thinking I had located Eat The Document, the rare Bob Dylan doc, only to watch it stall at 65%. Thinking at least I had two thirds of the film, I tried to open it but found only scrambled pixels of Zimmerman. A very sad day.
- CAN I GO TO JAIL FOR DOING THIS?
You’re just as likely to go to jail for posting a copyrighted clip of The Adam & Joe Show on you Tube, ie. not. Personally I wouldn’t want to encourage twats who upload shitty pirates of new film releases by downloading them, but I have to admit that I’ve checked out the odd film once it’s out on DVD and someone sticks it up there. If it’s any good, I buy the DVD for the added quality and all the extras, but if it’s some piece of lazy shite (The Holiday for staggeringly rotten example) then I feel very happy not to have forked out for it. Anyway, the best application for Bit Torrent as far as I’m concerned is catching up on TV stuff, which should be free anyway. Why anyone would have a problem with more people wanting to see your show is beyond me. Well, OK the advertisers have a problem with it, but it’s easy to screen out ads on most recording digi boxes anyway, so it’s up to them to concoct new ways of insinuating their stinky messages for an on-line audience. I recommend they try using my voice to do it. It’s proven to get results!!! Good luck and if you haven’t already, check out Entourage! It’s the shiznit biatch!
May 23, 2007
RADIO NEWS!
FABULOUS, RADIO 4, WEDNESDAY NIGHTS @ 11PM
I’m in a new Radio 4 sitcom called Fabulous by Lucy Clarke about ‘a woman who wants to be fabulous but can’t cope’. You can catch up with it here. I don’t suppose Lucy would thank me for saying so but it’s kind of a cross between Bridget Jones and Smack The Pony although that doesn’t do it justice (especially the Bridget Jones part! Aaargh! Bridget FUCKING Jones!!!) Anyway Fabulous features some of the best comedy actresses and actors around at them moment including Daisy Haggard, Olivia Coleman, Katy Brand, Laura Solon and the amazing Matt Holness (he’s like a magician of mirth you see). I play various parts and mumble deliberately incoherently as Daisy’s boyfriend, a little like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons who if you recall, were all represented by muted trumpets, which as a boy I found rather disturbing. Anyway, I think it’s a great show and I’m delighted to be involved with it, so check it! It’s only 15 minutes, so how wrong could you go? Oh, and speaking of Charlie Brown, here’s a nicely done jive dub I found on You Tube that made me chuckle a little guiltily…